Guilt life and dealing with it

You don't know what you have until it is gone, harsh when it is one of your parents.

as previously stated I don't have much recollection of seeing my mum much in the last year of her life the last three she was in hospital.

I was working on a souvenir stall in the middle of Leicester Square at the time.

I spoke to my cousin who told me to come to the hospital, that was the last time I saw my mum, in reality she was well on her way.

My Dad called me at home the next morning, I was there on my own but I already I half wishered her to die for my own selfish reasons.

Even now that is hard to read back to myself but that was the reality.

This was 1991 the beginnings of the acid house parties and clubbing in London, quite an easy escape.

There was always a party, I grew up to my mums vinyl anything from the original one man band Jessy Fuller, Motown and developed an interest in playing music blending it, organising parties easier than finding work, play at your own, more money, no real rules as such well that was the theory.

But as we also know that every high must come a low and that unfortunately is where the not so fun begins.............

It is not a long term solution

However 5htp, St jons wart and Spirulina plus a healthy diet is....

So in hindsight and deep down I knew there was something missing that I had yet to deal with.

During those days parties were fuelled, as well documented, by ecstasy an unbelievable mind opening spiritual experience that in some way helped me to come to terms with the world and my grief but I had already sensed the changes I was starting to develop, I remember telling my then girlfriend to leave not because I was going to turn into Michael Jackson out of Thriller, I could feel my old self slipping away, I now look at my son and the memories my mind had hidden to protect me open up, the innocence, it quite often brings a tear to my eye something that hasn't really happened since my Dad's funeral four years ago and even then it wouldn't fully come out, in some cultures the whole village wails for however many days and then they have passed to the other life as they see it.

It has taken me some time to work through the various emotions and anger, both my parents had a temper and were not afraid of confrontation.

I was a sixteen year old boy that had just lost his mum, I hadn't thought that far forward, I didn't go and see her at the chapel of rest, I turned up late for the funeral, although the church was a walk from the house, I was I now know in free fall, who wants to go to their Mum's funeral, really, in reality I was a sixteen year old boy who had just lost his mum, his world, his everything.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

I came to realise and now know the anger was the guilt I felt, I was not there for my mum before or while she was dying and there was and never would be any way of changing that, bitter pill to swallow, in reality I was a sixteen year old boy who didn;t know his arse from his elbow, who had a mum that wanted to shield him from her death, that had manifested in me as anger, ironic a somewhat.

Don't be too harsh on yourself, be aware I no longer drink, I found it brought out the worst in me personally, I have my vices and I try to see both sides of the coin before i make a decision or react to a situatiom, I sually kill it with kindness or a quick one liner that cuts right to the heart of the matter in a direct but non offensive way.