What do you do after?

I remember coming home after my Mum's funeral, the old man had decided to take us to a hotel straight after, The Dormy Hotel in Bournemouth, where we had spent many happy times, not the best idea but his way of doing things, Elliot was driving and got lost, the journey was far from ideal, emotions running high.

This was not one of those happy occasions.

Looking back, the inner frustration had already set in, questions rolling round in my mind. Rebellious, stubborn, argumentative, reality was starting to dawn on me, all I wanted was my Mum.

As we pulled into our road I could see my Mum's car, for a split second I said to myself Mum's home but Mum was never coming home.

I looked at my younger brother who was twelve at the time and thought what must be going through his mind at such a young age and asked myself the question, what do we do now?

Looking back a lot of the issues that developed with my Dad really started from here, I blamed him in some way, in reality he had just lost his wife, the person he woke up with, the person he turned to, his everything in hindsight. 

You don't think this at the time or I didn't but I now know is perfectly natural emotions, at that age you want some one to blame in some way and where bereavement counselling of some description for a young mind should start and if offered should be taken, if left to fester starts to turn to anger. 

And for any parent who has sadly has found them self reading this, one, I am sorry for your loss, two follow it up, their world has changed forever and they are going to need help along the way.

I went back to college, Caroline a business studies tutor asked for an assignment I was given just before my mum died.

Obviously I had not even thought about it and in that moment I stood up and threw the chair at her, I now know that I was in turmoil I had no hatred towards Caroline but I was in the unknown in my eyes, this anger erupted and it happened, I was a loving child always smiling, mischievious, a bit spiteful but not angry, I am now throwing a plastic chair at a teacher.

The College sent me to the College counsellor, who broke down when we started talking, great help, however that was 1991, things have changed and bereavement counselling is available, St Christopher's Hospice, Lawrie Park Road, London is a good place to start.

The study from the medical journal talks about the later effects, the reason for this blog is to try and get there before the emotional issues, the anger, the trust issues and try and lighten the load.

Bereavement counselling deals with the circle of life.  

I was sixteen and thought as most sixteen year olds do, I already knew everything.......

Your Mum is your mum you were connected not just by the umbilical cord but spiritually and you feel that loss and there is nothing anyone can say that takes away that pain, you hear time is a healer in some ways it just puts a bigger gap between the event and the present it doesn't help with how you feel at that moment in time.

One thing, let your emotions out and talk, I stopped crying, I could cry at the drop of a hat as a child. Maybe because I felt I had to be strong for my brothers and my Dad and we had alot of problems with my Mum's family, she had a half sister and two brother's, one thought my Dad had arranged the funeral on his busiest day deliberately, the half sister didn't agree with anything and the older brother didn't say alot at all, great help when you are trying to organise a funeral.

Another sad reality of death people disappear, they don't know how to handle it, so,  easier to ignore and it also brings peoples own mortality to mind.

My strong Dad was starting to crumble before my eyes our mum done everything, organised, that was now gone and the old man was in freefall.

Something I didn't take into consideration his loss, what must be going through his mind, if you are reading this with the same thoughts try and step back easier said than done.

The alchemist,

Try to calm your mind, Make a memory box, get it all in one place, I didn't, it will help as time goes by, look at photos, keep your memories, you may rebel against them but they will carry you in time to come.

There is also yoga, meditation, in reality you are going to have to get to know yourself and I do mean know yourself, there are a lot of emotions to deal with, situations, anger, inverted emotion coming out the wrong way, can effect personal relationships, feeling like something is missing all the time, frustration,  all perfectly natural and normal, I now know.

There is no guide or manual and we do just have to get on with it and that is Life, what we can do is help the mind, listen to our instincts, not be afraid to cry,


Everything in life is possible, if you put your mind to it, at this moment in time concentrate on yourself and immediate family.

Human Nature is a funny thing we seem to hurt those we love the most.